Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Change of Plans.... I am Blessed

Today as I awoke knowing that I would be cancelling services for the boys and calling the preschool to let them know they would not be coming today due to some tummy troubles that began in the middle of the night, I realized....WOW am I ever blessed to be able to just throw my arms up in the air and say oh well Change of Plans for today.

I am blessed to have a husband who works so very very hard under stressful circumstances to keep his family fed and dressed.  I am blessed to have the opportunity to work from home around our crazy busy life and feel like I am making a difference in some small way.  I am blessed to know and love the Lord and continually ask him for wisdom and guidance as I live my life trying to figure out how to raise five children, all so very different, and all so very challenging and even more rewarding at the end of each day.  Figuring out Autism and Down Syndrome.  Realizing that the twins may never talk and praying that I will be ok with that.  Knowing that each day that passes is another day closer to when my kids will be grown and out on their own, a thought that makes me sick.

On that very note, I have been seriously having little panic attacks when I see my beautiful daughter Tristin who is 14... FOURTEEN and a HALF really!!!! WoW she is so beautiful, has an amazing personality (when she is not glued to her iPod), her artistic talent is a money maker, and she is in that teenage funk where mom is NOT allowed to say I love you or offer a hug.. Boy does that hurt :(  I remember being like that to my mother... I was like that for a long time.  I guess I really didn't realize how much I was hurting her, even though that was part of the intention.  Its so hard growing up and being right at the place where you want so badly to be treated as an adult yet still just at this age where you are just now allowed to watch PG-13 movies and hang out with friends (with adult supervision).  When will I as a parent feel like I can let go a little in this world today, with all its bad outweighing the good most days?

I have had so many things on my mind these days.. I am weeks away from signing up the twins for kindergarten.   That was my major Change of Plans last year.. I was going to register them, then I didn't.  Now its almost here again and I wonder if I am ready to let them go...  I will, they are ready.  I just have that big mama bear feeling to protect them and not having the control to do that in a public school setting.

And so I go again to prayer, asking the Lord for guidance with my decisions, that my parenting journey will bear fruit for my children's decisions  in the future.  Its such a responsibility to raise these little people who grow up to be accountable adults.  I feel blessed to have been given such a task, but somedays nervous that I am not stepping up to the plate or thinking of all the outcome possibilities for each decision.

Proverbs - Chapter 6:20-23 ( taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation ©. Copyright © 1996, by Tyndale Chariatable Trust)
20. My son, obey your father's commands, and don't neglect your mother's teaching.
21. Keep their words always in your heart. Tie them around your neck.
22. Wherever you walk, their counsel can lead you. When you sleep, they will protect you. When you wake up in the morning, they will advise you.
23. For these commands and this teaching are a lamp to light the way ahead of you. 

No comments: